My Ultimate Search....

I don’t know about the rest of you, but since I was 8 i have been very curious about how the universe worked. I remember always sticking my head out of the car window at night and staring at the moon - and I would go into this zone in my mind where I would wonder what it was like before any of this existence was created - what was it like before God made the moon and earth? What was God doing? Was he bored? Caught up in these thoughts, suddenly I would find myself feeling so vast within. Like as if I was extending into space, and nothing else existed except black nothingness! It felt like I was under a spell. Obviously at 8 years old I didn’t understand any of this. I was just completely mesmerized and fascinated by what I was experiencing. Like getting lost in a magical fantasy world that only I knew off! It was my secret.

As I grew older I got more curious. I had so many questions that didn’t make any sense to begin with. I must have been 10 or 12 years old, when Satya Sai Baba one of the great avatars (God embodied as human) in India was visiting Mumbai. (Known as Bombay back then.) My Mother has been a devoted follower of Sai baba since she was 13 and she has strived to instill the same devotion in her children. So she took me with her to get Sai Baba’s darshan (to see and receive blessings). It was a really hot day and people had gathered in the thousands just to get a glimpse of this man who is a divine powerhouse. His power and grace is undeniable. I was holding my moms hand, hoping not to get lost in the massive crowd - when I suddenly looked up to her and asked her - “Mom, if God made the world, then who made God? Where did God come from?” I can never forget that blank look on her face. She was totally stumped. With a stammer in her voice she tried to answer my questions with very vague answers like - “God is God.” and “Thats a very stupid question.” Her loss of words made my aunt who was there with us break into a hysterical laughter. While my mother was trying to shut me up, my aunt encouraged me, saying that my questions were a good start. And I should keep going at them, and someday I’ll find the answers. She had no children of her own, that day I could feel her love for me and how smitten she was by my innocence.

Brutal as it sounds, and Im sure every adult will agree with me when I say that eventually life strips us from our child like innocence. My first heart break at 16 made me feel like I was electrocuted with pain. It was my first real tangible experience of “suffering.” My reality as I knew it, had dissolved into this swamp of questions. I wanted answers and I wanted them NOW. I started reading ceaselessly. I bought every spiritual self help book that I laid eyes on. Dr Wayne Dyer became one of my favorites. As they say, “the teacher appears when the student is ready.” I found my first guru (enlightened master) - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar - founder of The Art Of Living in India. I immediately signed up for his courses, and I was officially initiated into a meditation designed by a guru. (Even though I have been meditating in my own way since I was 5.) I was so excited and lost in this new world full of “spiritual” people. I was having amazing transcendental experiences. I was happy all the time. Everything around me seemed beautiful. I even started feeling superior to most people. Especially my friends. Because I was “spiritual” and they weren’t. I thought I had found all the answers. Little did I know this was just the beginning. I even shaved off my long black hair - thinking Im some kind of Buddha prodigy. My bald head caused quite the stir in my college. My ego and pride back then was hilarious. Eventually my ego got another hit when I was heartbroken again at 20. This time not only did I shave my head again - but I renounced all together. (Its ridiculous how every time I get my heart broken I either cut my hair very short or shave it off completely. I think most women have this need to do something with their hair when they go through a bad break up!) Anyway - this time I had found new answers under a different Guru - Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev. He is the coolest and the most unconventional guru I know of. When he enters a room, it feels like as if a lion has walked in. He has the most penetrating eyes I have ever seen and just the sound of his voice will send shivers up your spine. I definitely felt like he was the “One” - the father of all gurus. He was my ticket to enlightenment - I was convinced. I got initiated into a whole new set of intense meditations and breathing practices. Spending time with him and his other disciples I felt like layers and layers that constituted who I was - were getting peeled off me! It was quite a painful process. There would be nights that I would cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason. And then there would be days that I felt so much joy & excitement that my body was not enough to contain it. I felt like I was falling in love - strangely enough not with a man - but with something inside of me, and around me. Looking at the sky would make me blush. I would hug trees and talk to bugs! Sadguru made me go through a 3 day process that all his followers are allowed to go through just once in their lifetime. Its supposed to change your perception forever. I was excited. But I had no expectation - and I made sure I gave a 100% of myself in those 3 days. What followed cannot be put into words by anyone. Simply because those 3 days take you beyond your mind. And what is beyond the mind cannot be explained or understood. It can only be experienced. Those 3 days took me beyond the boundaries and confinement of my body and my thoughts and what I considered to be little “me”. Suddenly I felt that I had merged into everything that has ever existed. Right from a grain of sand to the biggest mountain. There were moments where I felt that I was pregnant, as if the entire universe was somehow inside of me. Every plant, animal and human being felt like an extension of my body. I didn’t know where my body ended and where “something” else started. For a few moments even the existence of “me as girl” had dissolved. I was everything and nothing at the same time. It seemed like my mind and my personality had gone into a coma like state. My body was caught in what looked like a severe convulsion and I was crying so loud that Im sure it was deafening to the people around me. I felt so humbled and yet vast and eternal at the same time. My face and my t-shirt were soaked in my tears. What I had heard was right - my perception had changed forever. I felt mutated. It was a whole new me that had nothing to do with who I was before the 3 day process. I was in love with everything. Every moment in time had a kind of shine or glitter to it. I had a new sense of appreciation for the world, a new level of empathy and connection with whoever I interacted with. Obviously the intensity of this experience faded with time, but nonetheless I was living with more awareness than ever before. With this new found sense of self I decided to travel for the next few months, just to see what else could there possibly be to experience? I did everything from hiking the grand canyon, to sky diving, & scuba diving to getting my tongue pierced and my body tattooed. I back packed through America for 3 months straight, and I never spent more than 7 days in any place. I had so much energy in me that needed to be expressed in some way. I felt invincible for a while. When I returned to India (because my funds were over), I was pretty much unrecognizable.

Within a few months I found myself caught in the grind of life again. Its amazing how much we are affected by our surroundings and the people around us. Living in India I started feeling claustrophobic. I knew this is not where I want to live my life. I almost felt like there are 2 versions of me that exist simultaneously - one that gets caught in the daily drama, and the second thats just watching all of this daily drama like some kind of a movie, totally detached from any preferences or any outcomes. Eventually I found my way out of India and back to America. I got myself enrolled in a Masters course in a university in Iowa. Call it destiny or sheer luck, but this university happened to be founded and run by an Indian enlightened guru called Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. My 3rd guru. Its strange how are lives get pulled in certain directions. I spent the next 2 years studying at this university which had the most unconventional but strict daily routine for all of its students. No exceptions. We were all required to meditate 2 to 4 hours a day. We were even graded on our meditations. And if you didn’t make the grade then you couldn’t graduate! I had courses that studied the evolution and the different levels of human consciousness. What gets you enlightened and what doesn’t? 9:30 pm was bedtime and I would be up before 6:00 am. Following a pure vegetarian diet and with hours of daily chanting and reading of ancient Indian vedic texts - I finally graduated with a Masters in Vedic Science in 2007. Was I enlightened by the end of it? Definitely not. But I must say that those 2 years were some of the best years of my life. I was surrounded by the most amazing people. People who were all driven by the same intense burning desire to crack the code of enlightenment? What on earth is it all about? Needless to say I made some real close friends. The ones you know you’ll have for life. Everybody I met there had strange stories of their own. This little university in the middle of nowhere in Iowa is like a magnet for like minded people. This place had an energy that would just make things happen effortlessly. Every time I go there things just magically fall in place. All the pieces of the puzzle come together. The years that I was studying there, I was at my healthiest. My body was so fit and strong, I almost had energy that would extend past my body. My mind was always so awake and aware. And obviously I had some pretty cool experiences there too, which probably need a book of their own.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Whether you are actively searching and yearning for enlightenment or not, there is something within all of us that drives us in certain directions. There is something in us that is never satisfied and is always looking for more. We could be lucky enough to find the love of our lives and yet there are times that we feel that nobody can really ever know us and we are all alone. There have been times in my life where I have been paralyzed with the feeling that I don’t know who I am or what I want? Everything seemed pointless, as if there is nothing to be, do or have.

I truly believe that God exists in every atom, every molecule of this existence. In that sense the only true form of God is within each one of us. Our conscience that has a voice and speaks up every time our internal compass points towards something wrong, the peace we feel when we have occasionally managed to quiet our minds, the joy we feel when we have made someone else happy - these are all signs of our divinity within.

I am God, You are God, we are all Gods - and so is every grain of sand, every plant and every animal. But the only strange thing is that we are not consciously aware of it. Maya and our egos have done such a superb job of overshadowing our Godhood that we are blind to our own eternity. Like fools we go searching for what we already have.

But as the great Sai Baba says - do not be distressed - The God within you will not rest until it is awakened completely. It is the God within that triggers your curiosity and makes you wonder "Who is God? Who am I? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? It is the God within you that sends you on this ultimate search...

And as you start listening to this inner God voice - the more you get guided in the direction of enlightenment - the more you follow the signs - the more the God within you awakens! Its a paradox - It is God itself that awakens the God in you! And eventually - inevitably - you return home - to your true nature of Godhood. The ego falls away like a snake skin. Have I returned home yet? No - But I know that my compass is pointing where it is supposed to - towards my beloved God... and very soon I will make it. I will be home at last. A happily ever after. I urge all of you to do the same. All you have to do is be honest and sincere to your voice within. You are the God that you have been looking for.

Peace be with all.
Samastha Loka Sukhino Bhavantu.
Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi.