From Radhika to Isha.....

Isha means Isness - the primordial formless energy that is the source of all creation.

This piece of writing and the one before this- clearly shows that there is a new person here now. Or rather an “unperson", a nonperson. I know that's not even a word. But what do you call someone who has none of the human traits and needs? Enlightened? Hardly. Enlightenment implies that there is an ego & ignorance that exists which needs to be dissolved or destroyed through the process of enlightenment. To the unenlightened - this looks like a long journey - a huge goal - a ton of seeking & searching & exploring. To the Enlightened - there never was a journey, never a goal. Who did all the seeking & searching? The ego doesn't exist, and neither does your mind. So who was Ignorant and who got Enlightened? Who realizes What? As my good friend Joe Sarti said to me - “The Enlightened One realizes there is NO Enlightenment and that's the Enlightenment.” The Ultimate paradox. Enlightenment does not Exist. There is Nothing to Realize.
The following is my process from Radhika To Isha.... that started In Chicago - but ended in India....

They say that heartbreak or loss of love is the ultimate form of human suffering. Some recover from it and learn to move on and for some (like me ) its the “last human experience.” For me my ultimate suffering turned into my biggest blessing - an excuse if you will to turn my caterpillar into a butterfly. It sounds cool buts its not all fancy.... the transition is anything but pleasant. To pass through the "gateless gate" is the most agonizing, painful, heart wrenching process one will ever go through. Its pure madness. Total insanity. Your mind has turned in on itself. You are at war with yourself - how do you beat that? You cannot win - and neither do you loose. Your thoughts, your mind is not you. The "you" that you think of & know of as you is not the real you. The one that is fighting the war is not the one that emerges victorious, it is not the one that passes through the final gate. Everything that consists & comprises of “you” dies - yes it is the final suicide - and what remains "IS" what always has been. The hologram, the illusion has ended - and the source of it all remains. Pure ISNESS.

After my heartbreak - there wasn't the usual “human pattern” of loss & gain, of mourning & moving on that I was expecting. There was no mourning or no feeling of loss of “him”, a “relationship”, a “love” - instead there was something in me that was screaming ENOUGH - there was something in me which for some reason was not affected at all by the biggest heartbreak tragedy of my life. In fact after the incident - I almost had instant amnesia - I could remember nothing of my loss or my suffering.... total numbness. No thinking, no tears. A total zombie like state & yet I was aware that something in me has stayed constant all through life just like a witness. Its like I had woken up from a dream.

Even through my numbness there was intense pain - which I knew had no cause. Which is odd because all human experience of joy or pain is “due” to something. All human experience is based on “cause and effect.” My pain seemed to be emerging out of nowhere. It just “was”. Literally infinite amounts of pain, with the intensity of earthquakes & tornado's just emerging from within me. Months of complete insomnia. The loss, the pain, the agony, the tears that I was experiencing was for the Death of “Me”. Everything that I identified and associated as “Me” was dying - dreams, ambition, sense of care, sense of exploring, seeking, doing, hope, my sexuality.... my identification as a “woman” & consequentially my search for a man & love - All Gone. Everything dissolves. Vanishes.There was a definite end of “hope” - there was no more searching of anything. Who was there to hope for? And what do you hope for? Nothing exists. There was nothing to Be, Do, or Have. Nothing felt “new” anymore - even if it appeared to be. A feeling like everything has ended - and “THIS IS IT” - I lost my ability to think about “a future.” In fact my “thinking process” in itself was gone. The “thinker” had died. No matter how much I tried - there was nothing - further - nothing to look forward to other than more nothingness.

I was beginning to experience myself as 2 - a me that is just constant and still - thinking nothing - wanting nothing - just witnessing. Then there was a hologram of me - a not real me - that was acting and communicating in the world - pretending and appearing to be normal like everyone else. This hologram eventually faded away. And now there is just One that remains.

When anyone asks me about finding a mate again - or falling in love - the feeling in me as a response to that is indescribable - a feeling... a knowing that I am on the highest mountain top in the world - I can see everything - really really see - EVERYTHING - the view is spectacular and breathtaking..... a sense of being complete - everything i have ever wanted, desired, or hoped for is here ... in me. I AM it. All of it. A perfection. An absolution. Finding a mate would be like walking down this mountain and returning to the shallow valleys! NO WAY - nothing in the world is worth giving up this view from up here! No prize, no jewel compares to this! But more importantly - after enlightenment, identification with woman - man goes away. Dissolves. You are not your sexuality. The idea of man, woman doesn't really exist - its just another very deep layer of the workings of the ego. When I move about in public...my experience of myself is that of being "invisible" to all people. My experience of myself is nothingness.

Celibacy, loss of desire, detachment from all outcome, loss of preferences, the loss of that constant voice in your head,- are all natural outcomes or by products of enlightenment.
Enlightenment is the Gain of Nothing. Pure nothingness.
The finding of your "true self" is a "No-Self." All that Is is just Isness.
Enlightenment isnt the gain or realization of anything new - its the unveiling of what always has been. Of what IS.

Everything in the world that was once soooooo appealing to me - so important... it has all lost its charm .... they all look like scraps to me - like waste in the bin. Pointless, meaningless. All the world pales in comparison to this inner state of Being.... of Isness.
Time looses its reality. All that is - is in this moment.

Even human beings loose their appeal - before I would get excited to know someone new - sometimes feel intimidated by great personalities - all that is gone. Now I have no "need" or desire to "get to know" someone - its like you see one - you’ve seen them all. Know one - and you know them all. Like leaves on a tree. There is nothing to really know about a person. No one is even there - everybody is empty. The only thing that is there is the ego - the same in everyone - just in different proportions and colors. Thoughts, opinions, beliefs dont matter. They dont even exist. Everything is false - everything belongs to the ego - Everything! Everything that a human does from birth to death - every thought he thinks, all the activities he engages in, its All just to fuel the ego and keep it going - all effort only to uphold this hologram of an ego!

What I now see in people is their pure Isness - their Pure Being veiled behind their egos. There is an instant love for whomsoever I see or interact with - the Isness in them is an extension of my own being. Its all me wherever I go.

All fear, all care, all searching and wanting in me is replaced by “a presence” - so vast, so deep - in all directions. Every time I go out for a run - I feel all of existence talking to me - every breeze feels like a giant hug.... every tree I lay eyes on acknowledges my presence. Every blade of grass, even the solid pavement feels like family... so much love from everywhere - how did I not see this before? How was I so blind? and where did the “me” go? its like the “me” that used to be just vanished - evaporated in thin air almost as if it was never there to begin with.

Radhika died and Isha was born.... actually Radhika died and "uncovered" the Isha that was always there.